Zen-Knit-Wit

Sobering Moments

zenknitwit — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 02:30:17 +0000

I’ve been struggling lately with the weight loss…. to the point in fact where I have GAINED about 12 lbs. instead of loosing weight. Fucked up right? Right.

And up until yesterday things were going decidedly down hill. Then BAM! I have a moment of clarity. Honestly, going shopping for clothes, and being so humiliated by my own reflection has literally scared me straight. There is one store in particular, where they have “my size” and everything they carry is horrific. Sparkly crap and fucked up designs that no overweight woman in their right mind would wear. So, what did I do? Well, I bought a pair of black leggings and got the hell out of that store after having a small breakdown in the dressing room.

You know it’s bad when.

Anyway, I just can’t do it anymore, the stiff upper lip thing about being overweight is over rated. I want to fucking wear cool clothing that suits my personality and makes me feel good.

All Fucked Up

zenknitwit — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 18:41:18 +0000

I’m all messed up, about a guy, shocking right.

He’s a bad boy, in every sense of the word. There is not one stable, honest, truthful, loving component in him from what I can see. He’s a manipulator, a sweet talker and gods know what else. And I have a huge crush on him. I want to do bad things with him. All kinds of bad things. Hot, dirty, make you loose your mind things.

I can’t get him off my mind and it’s making me crazy that I can’t when I know he won’t stick around but my brain and heart aren’t working together right now. A woman wants what she wants, regardless of if it’s good for her or not. This is definitely one of those NOT situations.

Maybe if I have sex with him and it’s horrible I’ll be able to get him out of my system?

With a Broken Wing

zenknitwit — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 00:17:28 +0000

Things have been crazy lately. And by crazy I mean INSANE. I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I seem to have thought that internet dating is the way to go. I’m still not so sure after the first few dates I’ve had. Disastrous in one way or another. Either their trying to get their tongue down my throat or their hands down my pants. What is it that makes people think that kind of behavior on a first date is okay?

I Don’t Even Think That God Can Save Me

zenknitwit — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 06:07:06 +0000

You know when you’re life is so messed up you think it’s beyond repair? That’s how I feel right now. Like all that’s there is a past you can’t get away from.

I think that’s why I decided to change my name. To make myself into a new person. I want to live a different life. One that doesn’t make me sad all the time, one that doesn’t scare me so much I’m afraid to walk down the street alone, one that makes it okay for me to talk to people, to trust people.

Coming Home to the Manbatical

zenknitwit — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 03:57:30 +0000

In 2009 I categorically stated that I was going to have a one year Manbatical….. a year without men. Well, I’ve been true to my word, and extended it for another 2 years. It’s 2011 and I haven’t been in a relationship, or even had sex, in almost 4 years.

Amazing then isn’t it that I’m still really fucking pissed off.

Trying to Read Between the Lines

zenknitwit — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 01:03:36 +0000

I admit it; I rarely know myself, so how could I ever think I could truly know others? Do we ever truly know anyone?

Why can’t I seem to control my own actions? Why does it feel like my body and brain are in collusion to keep me in the dark while they do what they want? I had a shrink one time who pointed out that I frequently refer to myself in the second (we or us) or third (she) person. Does that mean I’m crazy? I think more likely it’s that I don’t like a lot of things about myself and so not using the pronoun I means it wasn’t really me who ate 2 pieces of cake or had mcdonalds on the way home from school and then picked up a chocolate bar at 7-11 while consuming a very large cup of coke-a-cola.

It’s like when I’m doing something I know I shouldn’t or actually, consciously don’t want to, my brain shuts off and is completely devoid of thought. No thoughts of “no, I shouldn’t”, just no thoughts at all. I guess my mind is pretty crafty about getting around it’s own objections.

Effing Pissed Off

zenknitwit — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 00:53:47 +0000

Okay, so I don’t usually RANT, so if you don’t want to hear about it perhaps come back tomorrow when I’m in a better mood.

I’m so effing pissed off about work I could snap. I’m on my way home from class tonight and I call work to check up on a few things, just being a good little soldier and what do I get for my trouble but a bunch of bullshit. First there is the resistance to my question of approval on a print file, which I’m simply asking about for clarification, but no, I hear about how it’s not xyz’s problem. Well fuck, if that’s the case then why did you agree to deal with it earlier in the day before I left the office? Number 2…. I get asked if I specifically gave someone else the wrong directions on how to do something. I was like, what the fuck? Is it more likely, given my personality, that I would give someone “wrong” instructions or merely that the person on the receiving end; a) didn’t understand them b) didn’t ask any clarifying questions when they didn’t understand or c) they weren’t fucking listening? Like have you lost your mind? Do you fucking know me? If nothing else I’m serious about my job, and about doing a good job, even though I can’t effing stand most of the people I work with. Give me a break people.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I choose to look for a new job where people don’t assume that because they think they know me that they can be fucking jerks.

Greatness Comes to Those Who Take It

zenknitwit — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 00:37:49 +0000

I heard a song on the radio today about living too fast and missing it when it’s past. I think that’s the story of my life. Whatever I’m doing there is always somewhere to get, instead of living in the moment. I think that’s a mistake on my part. l

I’ve decided I’m not taking 5 classes per semester next year. I want to savor the important moments, not have them fly by.

Shorter Lapses of Sanity

zenknitwit — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 03:44:51 +0000

From time to time I remember that I’m a human on this planet, and that generally humans don’t like to be alone. Like birds we flock together, like deer we herd together. So as much as I think I want to be a loner I’m sorely mistaken. I go through long periods of time when my brain says “so what, fuck it, you’re alone and being along is good, being alone means no one can hurt you.” But then I wake up and remember that I do want to be with other people.

Primarily I remember from time to time that I would like to be in a long term relationship and in order to do that I need to get out of my own fucking way. I need to remember that if I want to have any chance of having a boyfriend that I actually want I need to loose a serious amount of weight.

Mary told me to watch this movie called “Just Wright” staring Latifa…. who’s an overweight woman who ends up marrying a basketball star. All I can say Mary is “AS IF.” It would never happen man, it just wouldn’t. The only fat women who have attractive husbands are RICH women and I’m not rich. Not at the moment anyway. So let’s face it girls, let’s be honest, even if it means NOT sparing our own feelings. We want to be with someone we think is attractive so why is it such a stretch to think men want the same thing? There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone you’re attracted to physically because it’s part of the whole package. We just like to blame men for being shallow. Well guess what, we’re shallow too. It’s the reason I’m not interested in Scott. He just doesn’t do it for me. So what. That’s how it is.

Get up off your fat ass and get moving.

Hot Boys

zenknitwit — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 22:49:05 +0000

Well I must say my libido is working just fine. There is an amazingly, although far too young for me, hot guy in my art history class. Quite fantastic looking indeed. Tall with shoulder length brown hair and fit like a soccer player. Whew!

The thought that crossed my mind when I saw him was… “shit, I need to do this weight loss thing if I ever expect to get a date.” And it’s true. The last week or so I’ve been out of control. I’m not sure why exactly. It seems to go in phases. One week is good, the next week is shit and so on and so forth. I don’t know, I don’t know.

In other news I can’t seem to stop thinking about doing my masters degree in Europe. I just think it would be a really interesting experience and obviously there is a much greater opportunity to see a lot more art. Especially when you consider you can get a europass and travel so many places by train. Paris would be a natural spot but I can’t seem to find much information about masters degrees that are offered there in English since I think it’s a bit of a stretch to think I could learn to speak French fluently enough to go to school there in less than 2 years time. I mean going to Scotland would be fine, but it’s so damned cold there and rains all the time. I’m not sure I could handle all that grey sky.